Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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