I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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