Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
