Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
