My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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