On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
