My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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