woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
