So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
