i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
