I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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