My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
pray to the hookup gods
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
