I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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