She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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