the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
