Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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