Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
