sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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