Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
