Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
