he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
