Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
