i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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