i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
