They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
