Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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