I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
