Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
