tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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