you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
How external is "for external use only"?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
