Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize