my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
