My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
