Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
