honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
