Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
