is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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