I cannot find my penis.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
