I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
