I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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