They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
