Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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