Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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