And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
