I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
