Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
