So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
