I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
