We won't sleep together?
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
