Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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