My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
