I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
