the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
