Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I want a musical about memes.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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