Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
