ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
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She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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