When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
