dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
