A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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