He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Someone shit on the floor
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
29 Unspoken Rules Of “Bro Code”
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
