My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels