Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
