i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
